The Precipice

It’s not easy to fail. It’s even more painful when you don’t know how or why it happened, whether it was your fault or a matter of bad luck or lack of it. When you feel you worked hard(okay, you do have doubts whether you really put as much effort as is necessary) but bad luck connived to mess up your life. You see others who you toiled together dazzle in their good fortune while at the horizon you can only see darkness.

So what do you do, do you worry while pretty much knowing that worrying wouldn’t change anything really, or do you accept things as they are and strive to move on? Is the latter strategy normalising failure, or is it a positive attitude to living? Is it denial to ignore such a terrifying situation and act okay?
In life there are things or courses whose outcome you can influence, and then there are things which you can’t do anything about. There are also evolving mutating situations whose character you can’t fathom. So you struggle to adapt, to accept, to stay strong, but every time you come short, every time you fail, or whenever you get crushed again and again, you’re heart broken, you’re mentally and physically wounded, because if the powers that be, if life herself seems hell bent on cutting you down what can you really do? Should you keep on fighting or should you give up?
Then there are situations where there’s such a dearth of information that you don’t know what the actual hell is going on. You don’t know what the likely outcome is. So should you worry, and if yes,how much should you worry? Is it okay to worry about things you’re not even sure about, of things which could be worse than they seem, or just mildly not good? What’s the utility of worry if it isn’t going to add anything to your situation except more anxiety and depression? What should someone do?
You hate to succumb to anxiety, worry and depression. Most importantly you really dislike being hopeless or buying into that state of things.On the other hand, would it not be the rational thing to  accept life as is, to know when you have reached the end of your abilities, when to change course and accept things as they are?
What’s the point of repeatedly doing the same thing when you could just listen to your immediate response which tells you this isn’t where you should be? There’s courage and persistence, and then there is folly and stubbornness.
What path should one take?
At the precipice…

For men, everything isn’t as it seems

Men are strong, or so we’ve heard, we’ve been taught. That a man is an island (forget that saying), that he is capable of going through hell and everything in between without needing a hand. Alone .That a man is an end in himself , that his life is his alone. His trials and tribulations are his alone. That his demons are his responsibility .

Young boys are brought up knowing men aren’t supposed to cry,that a man’s tears in public can bring an abrupt end to humanity as we know it .That men are emotionally immune and any sign of such will call to question the content of your testicles.

While mothers bond with their daughters and talk about stuff ranging  from blood to butter, love to heart breaks , food to fashion and all  there is between here and Timbuktu, for boys and their dad is something else. An average boy child’s  conversation with the dad  usually revolves around ‘ what did your your mother say? to did you do A and B? , from what do you need this money for? to go ask your mother .Most of the man things we know we’ve been taught by our peers who I have no idea who taught them.

Dads are usually busy people. Or so it’s made to be. Mostly they’re never there really, most will say otherwise but it’s because we love our dads and we would never want to appear to doubt their place in our lives .Yet ask anyone who they love more, force them to make a choice and mothers often beat dads 2 to 1 . We have spent more time around our moms and so we’re usually biased to them . So you see, boys are largely raised by women and women’s idea of a perfect man is that of a superhero. So there’s that.

So guys grow up expecting no help from no one when things  go south, grow up knowing that any sign of weakness means there’s something wrong about them .A man could be standing on a ball of fire but he gotta keep smiling. Guys will rarely reach out no matter how their shoulders hurt and their hearts bleed, they will dismiss it, drown it in beer, get laid over it , project and blame themselves for failing.

What many will not tell you is guys aren’t that strong really, it’s just that  seeming strong is the only option they have. Or so they’re made to believe. If a guy fails in a certain project or a deal he had put his heart into the disappointment cuts to the marrow, he can question his very existence.
For a lady on the other hand? She’ll probably cry over it, talk with her groupie or family or whoever and she will quickly  realize  it’s not a thing unique to her. And she’s okay again .
For a guy, on the other hand ? Repeated failure could completely annihilate his confidence, and then it becomes a vicious cycle.
And the society too won’t help, it’ll judge him severely.

Ladies talk of heartbreaks. Plural.With an ‘s’. For a guy one real heartbreak and he’ll never fall for anyone again .He becomes indifferent , defensive, paranoid.
Girls are something
else . Sometimes I think some crave a heartbreak just to get something to talk about, to feel normal , to fit in .
For a guy? You break the years of code written  onto you and open up yourself to a stranger and they choose to shit on you and pee on you and spit on you and step on you.
You can almost never want to go through such a damn situation again. So you become a bad boy, or you recoil into your shell and have nothing to do with ‘these women’ or you become a pragmatist, expecting nothing better from women and accepting that any idea of emotional connection with someone probably died with the Mayans.
For a woman she will bitch about it for a while,  meet the next guy, forget it for a while, get hurt again and the cycle continues .But by rules of probability she stands a greater chance of meeting someone better. For the guy….*stay strong my nigga stay strong!*- he mutters to self .😒😒.

Men need to know we ain’t gods for Krist’s sake, neither are we robots. We can hurt, fvck things up and fvck them  down , because we’re human.

People fail all the time. Even God. Didn’t he create Satan for all we know? Didn’t he take moses’ advice not to destroy the Israelites in the desert, didn’t he once regret creating man and almost end up destroying us by flood, and didn’t he regret that one too?
So you see, everyone has their own doubts, weaknesses and regrets.

But. Just to show how engraved these views about men are I’m even very reluctant to ask guys to be emotional, or to talk about their issues or to ‘whatever’ else ladies do. Because ‘who wants men who behave like women, really!’

May be the solution is a complete overhaul of how children are brought up, because probably teaching an old dog new skills isn’t exactly a walk in the park .or so it may seem. I mean I can’t ask myself to cry over anything, it feels almost like an abomination, and even if I were to try I doubt any tears would be forthcoming.

Honestly I’ll leave it at that, I’m Straight  outta ideas to give…

hii si confession…

Mi hukuwanga ule wasee watu husema amenyamaza
Eti hapendi anasa
Mwenye si player ka Rooney, Waza
Mwenye nyi husema ni msee wa kuwaza

Life yake haina layers
hana Peyer’s… patches, za uchafu
mwenye si king’s slayer
si naysayer

Msee simple
Hana maringo
Heart smooth, haina pimples
Msee amesimama kwa path ya righteousness ka nulliparous, nipples
Ule msee akiai spoil kutakua na tsunami, ripples

Msee anaeza buy-ia dame random pizza
ule msee hapendi kuchomewa picha
watu huniita teacher
eti nawafunza, nawatisha
wananiongelea usiku,kucha
but mi si msee wa kufuga kucha
nakuanga mtu mcha…….mungu

Mi si msee mbaya, naeza apa
kusuggest mi ni mbaya ni ka kushow Beyonce amechapa
ni ka kusema Bamzigi ni rapper
kusema nimekuuthi ni kusema Mturkana amekupeleka supper
ni ka kusema Judas ali-take Jesus Last Supper

Mi ni msee hana issues
wasee husema nakuanga na promise
wao hudunga mi ni leader, but under what premise?
Wanadhani sina defect,but hawajui niko na ma-crevice
Ni ka kuona masa kwa streets ameng’ara kumbe amefanyiwa *colpocleisis

Hutawai sikia nimelewa, ati niko chini ya maji
Ukiskia jua nimeekelewa,Sir God ndiye judge
Najua hii ni ngumu kuelewa ju sikuangi loyalm sana kwa church

Mi ni ule msee huskiza rock, jazz na Rhumba
Kwaito, za Kiluyia,genge na Kikamba
Kyuks pia,Korean bora inabamba
Wengine mtasema ni ushamba
But msingoje niseme mi ni cool kid niki-try kuwalamba

Mi hu-believe in love,life and fate
If something iko tricky I pull back and contemplate
Upole ni muhimu don’t let your ego iji-inflate
Vitu zisiwai kutisha, face life ki-pirate
Wear your heart under your sleeve, unaeza anza tena on a clean slate

Mi ni ule msee mwenye mostly husema ukweli
Ule msee sanasana huchukia uongo
Mwenye huchukia sigara, usenge na hongo
Sometimes naeza kuwa na kejeli
But moyo wangu ni smooth ka jelly

Usiai nichukulia kwa ubaya
Mi hu-strive for righteousness
Mi hutaka peace na kila msee
Naeza pia kuskiza ka una issues,
Lakini sipendi kasheshe

But hii si thesis
Usini-take too serious
Life yangu ni kaa series,ina different seasons

Mi ni ule msee wanaitanga Phinehas,
God willing future daktari

…hio ndio habari

Being the man…

“one cannot always be a hero, but one can always be a man”-Johann Wolfgang van Goethe


There has never been a more exerting time to be a man than now; a time when being a man is not only vilified as savagely, threatened by the ubiquitous feminist movements and frowned upon by men themselves, but also is distorted by the fact that no one knows what being a man actually entails. The hassles of modern capitalistic life where work and money-making has become the ‘thing’ devolving parentage to the ayah or the TV has left behind a generation of boys, even grown men who have no inkling on how to be men, why to be men.

These days being a man is synonymous with guzzling drowning quantities of alcohol, puffing the longest roll of weed, bedding the highest number of women etc. Worse still I have come across folk who, without an iota of shame, consider possessing a prepuce as making one less of a man. Again shame!

We think one is not a real man if they don’t have a strong love for football (read EPL), do not play FIFA, Call of Duty and the like. One is not a real man if they’re not arrogant, noisy, boisterous, disorganised, pushy, unapologetic, and egoistic.

Being a man is now measured on the size or cost of the phone one has, the wheels they roll on and the ‘where’ of their shopping. If yours is a Techno then step aside for what a certain (in)famous blogger calls iphone-wielding battalion. If you dress in what she calls mutumba outfit from Gikosh then you must give way for the Dubai/Milan/Paris shoppers. Having on an Anderson &Sheppard or Caraceni suit, original Gucci etc adds a few balls to your manly collection. Poor you if you own Japanese wheels in the pretence of having a car for he of bigger balls must ride in a German machine. The realest of them all like the Kabogos and Peter Kenneths of this world will fly their own choppers, a mockery to your collective insignificance.

We live in a time where men abhor responsibility; the bachelor is now the man to be, free to roam, hunt and feast on any prey as he wishes without being questioned. The Barney Stinson type of guy (he of HIMYM series).Being a man now means being both the law and the executioner. If married then the man is one who has a respectable harem of ‘mpango wa kandos’ to quench his manly need (sic).

Ancient wisdom tells us that being a man was not only a manner of having the genetic constitution of a male. It was not merely a matter of having testicles or spotting bushes on your face. Men were the hunters, fighting beast and exhaustion to provide for their families. Later men would apply their ingenuity to construct permanent shelters for their families, domesticate wild animals to ease the burden of hunting and crops to lessen the weight of gathering from their women. Simply, men were playing their role as agents of evolutionary perpetuation of our species. It was not about them individually, but all for the betterment of humanity.

Continuously in history they would give their lives to defend their kingdoms, states, and cities. These were societies in which were women, children and the elderly, not just buildings and property. These men weren’t giving their lives just for show or glory, they were making the ultimate sacrifice. Yes, when any person is presented with such a scenario, the man code demands you step forward and be a man.

It is Jack Donovan, the author, who wrote that when someone tells a man to be a man, they mean there’s a way to be a man. It ain’t just a thing to be but a way to be, a path to follow and a way to walk. Some try to make manhood mean everything, others just assume it means nothing at all. Well, being a man cannot mean everything you should be, but it surely means something.

Finally what being a man really stands for lies in plain sight. Many English words such as virtue and virile, arise from the Indo-European root vir, which means man.

Thus a man is expected to be both a paragon of courage, mastery, and honour; these are the virtues of men. Theodore Roosevelt talked of a man who embodies victorious effort, never wrongs others, always comes to the aid of his friends, but still retains those virile qualities that allow him to win in the stern strife of real life.

A man is dependable, he’s honourable, and he’s strong. In fact it is a job of every person to be a man. Being a good man is not enough, but being a real man is. A man is second only to the gods.

Indeed to be a man, ultimately, boils down to taking responsibility. That’s the real definition of a man.

Let’s all be men,we can all be men.

I don’t sleep, I just take naps between the continuum that is my life

It’s  past midnight.

You sit down alone in your room, on your bed, trapped by the tendrils of your own thoughts

.For one you’ve got  no idea what you’re contemplating about.This has become a habit, a malignant one that often ignores the fact that you have to be up at five everyday to prepare for your rounds at the hospital.

.You pretty well know that the bus for  Kiambu District Hospital leaves at 07:00 am and you can’t afford to miss it.If you’re late and you do not review your patients before the consultant comes you know he/she will most likely roast you alive. You don’t want that to happen, trust me you don’t want Dr.Ngwatu or his female version Dr. Thuranira breathing sulfur onto your neck early in the morning.

Surely you do know it’s your responsibility as an aspiring doctor to learn as much as you can while you can. You also do not want to appear lazy or be a laughing-stock amongst your colleagues .This is both a matter of honor and responsibility. Continue reading